Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
