all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
My bed smells like the plague
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
