Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
