the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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