I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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