What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
