if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
