i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
COCAINE IS GR8
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