Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
