It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
