I just pynch a tree in the face
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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