cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize