I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Found your dick twin last night
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize