In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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