Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize
