I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
