apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
