Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
