Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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