totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Can you repeat that, but with context?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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