Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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