My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
