both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
