Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
