You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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