I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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