Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Operation Purity has been aborted
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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