Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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