My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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