sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
it's like iHOP with fire
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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