Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
