I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
How's work?
Spinning.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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