Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize