i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
