Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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