I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
