I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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