The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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