I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
