she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
