Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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