he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Still dying that you shit outside
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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