we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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