Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
