i permit you to call me
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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