She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
