Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
