At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
