I looked at my own cervix.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
