My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
