the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
