Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
