If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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