halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
