I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
