Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
