All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
