Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Couch. On fire.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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