He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
