you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
