it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You need a sexual gate keeper
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
