Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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