she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
