Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Randomize
